Grumps by Grumpelstiltskin

Oof. Look at that picture. Who the fuck invited Megamind to the playoff pool? This Indiana Jones boulder resting on a popsicle stick is the 3rd asshole goalie to win the pool, and his email has clearly been the same since this picture was taken, but at least now we know it was Billy using telekinesis through the TV screen that kept that puck out of Quick's net back in 2011. My god he must spend a fortune on helmets...

Hitler, Mao, Putin... Bruce. Names that will live in infamy as some of the worst people ever to have wandered this earth. That's what I thought in 2011 when this pool started, but now... well I still think he's a dumb asshole... but in 2020 Bruce showed us that even the dumbest of assholes can fart their way to the top. He stands alone... at parties... because nobody likes him, but also, sadly, as the first actual hockey player to have won this pool.

It's well documented that if you're drinking in a park anwhere in the Bay, Josh will simply appear out of thin air to bum your booze and frighten children. I've seen it happen upwards of twice. And when he's not hiding in bushes, or dunking on weebs in MTG at the county fair, he's studying NHL matchups (No, he doesn't have a lot going on). But worst of all, his name is such infuriatingly low-hanging fruit that it's impossible to make fun of... which is why he's so gay.

I was forced to play football on a basketball court with this dickhead twenty years ago, and he's been following me around siphoning off my hockey knowledge ever since. He claims he's a cop now, but I once saw him fart on a baby and then point at it and laugh. Also, he steals. He once stole a lighter from me, and then used it to do a flaming fart... on a baby. He hates babies, but loves farting on them. Not the kind of person we want winning this pool.

When I met this asshole he drove a car that smelled like asshole, wore the same hat every day which smelled like asshole, and only had one pair of jeans whose scent I never had the misfortune to confirm, but which I strongly suspect smelled of asshole. He also had the dumb asshole face he has in this picture, which, coincidentally, is the same expression he wore when he found out he had won the playoff pool... several weeks after the final game.

This bag of garbage (though it'd be notably more difficult to shoot a puck through a bag of garbage) never has a team to root for in the playoffs, so he just farts out yearly picks for LA or Chicago and ends up winning the whole thing three four times while the rest of us are plagued by homerism for our actually decent teams. Worst of all, his reign started with a single point victory in 2012 due to ass-hat Bruce not paying his fees.

After a calamitous year in 2012 where nobody made it to 30 points, 2013 overcorrected. 8 different people correctly picked cup-favorite Chicago to win it all, and another 4 correctly guessed Patrick Kane would win the Conn-Smythe. Barry ended up on top of this shit-heap of predictability, but he should’ve had company. Uncle Tom would’ve split the pot with the Spauld-Eagle, but he was never able to dig enough nickels out of his cavernous belly-button to pay his entry fee.

The original douche-bag pool champion, Jonesy missed only two picks in 2011, but most notably picked against his own scumbag team, sparking widespread and increasingly credible talk of collusion and conspiracy with the NHL. His point total from 2011 has never been topped, something something something gay joke. Anyways... he's a piece of shit Kings fan and his hair is offensively curly... like if someone used a curling iron on their already very curly pubes.